Tonight

This evening after I got home I took the garbage to the curb with earbuds in my ears. Leaving the trash on the curb I kept walking and did not return home until two hours and five miles later. The night was warm and mystical and at times I was joined by a Siamese kitten who would either run ahead or lag behind, except for the quarter mile I carried her.

I was sustained by endorphins but distracted by my emotions, which played through my mind like a film reel-- the entire spectrum: love and fear, loneliness and laughter, pain and passion, regret.

I came home and expected to collapse on my makeshift bed and drift into sleep, exhausted and fulfilled. Instead I am apprehended by an irrational anxiety over nothing in particular. It clings to my shoulders with talons and whispers, "everything in your life is a waste." It has lingered in my house for a while now, hanging low like smoke, and always appearing after periods of clarity and peace.

Today I heard someone say, "do that which frightens you most, and there you will find your victory." Earlier today this was inspiring and motivating, but now I realize the hidden guarantee that there will be pain along the way.

"I am weary, and I forlorn.
Lead thou me to the land
Of the angels, the angels.

"If only thou, O God of life,
Be at peace with me, my support,
Be to me as a star, be to me as a helm,
From my lying down in peace,
To my rising a new."

-Ralph M. Johnson (b. 1955)