Thoughts on the Lawn Sign War on Alcohol

It would be imprecise to say that some days everything pisses me off. That's entirely untrue. What actually happens during these dandy times is that the same kinds of things piss me off, but they piss me off a whole lot more than normal.

Today is one of those days. And it's not that I'm having a bad day or anything. Quite the opposite. I'm having a wonderful day. And what's making it even more wonderful is the fact that whenever I'm apprehended by one of these super-pissy fits is that it is always accompanied by the ability to find the exact words I'm looking for. And many of you may know that one of the most frustrating things in the world is being super-pissed and having no way to express it.

So today I'm walking down the sidewalk between classes at WOU, completely unaware that something is about to catch my eye that will cause me to start writing my next blog internally for the next twenty-five minutes.

I see a series of picket signs stuck in the lawn-- hundreds, it seems-- and this already puts me on guard because picket signs, especially in multitudes, usually are the product of Highly Motivated People. And as George Carlin once cautioned, these people are the ones that are making life real shitty for the rest of us.

George: "I think motivation is overrated. You show me some lazy prick who's lying around all day, watching game shows and stroking his penis and I'll show you someone who's not causing any fucking trouble."

So I approach the signs and the first thing that catches my eyes are a bunch of photos of mangled, twisted steel: Automobile accidents. I'm not sure what fallacy these signs are about to committ, perhaps that wearing a seatbelt makes you drive better, but by now I've already got my guard up.

So then I get close enough to read the text. The first sign says something like, "Contrary to what you may think, EVERYONE WILL HATE YOU IF YOU DRINK ALCOHOL." That may not be the exact wording, but that's pretty much the gist.

And then I see this winner. This is the one that really gets me all fidgety. "The perception that alcohol use is socially acceptable correlates with the fact that more than 80% of American youth consume alcohol before their 21st birthday."

This one is word for word, and because it is word for word, I am compelled to discuss what a pile of shit this series of words is. Do you see how it starts? "The perception that alcohol use is socially acceptable."

Here's what this is saying. "Look kids, you might think that other people are okay with you drinking, but this really isn't the case. Nobody wants you to drink. In fact, people think you are an asshole when you drink..."
Do you see the manipulation?

Then it goes on, "... and the reason people think it's okay to drink is because they drank alcohol for the first time before their 7,665th day on the planet. And the reason we know this is bad is because if there is one thing modern mathematics and physiology has taught us, is the mystic correlation between alcohol and the number 7,665."

Do you see the bad logic here? The first part of the sentence has nothing to do with the second half! It's like saying, "The reason adults operate under the faulty perception that it's okay to shit their pants in public is because they shit their pants a lot as an infant." NO CORRELATION.

And nevermind the silly attempt at linking alcohol and 21 years. There are morality and ethics, sure. But there are also laws. And just because all three attempt to govern our behavior does not mean they are one in the same. Laws are in place because people put them in place, and they need not be credited with some sort of supreme authority, especially when a simple majority can rewrite what's right.

But here's the biggest problem with this sign. It suggests that the "everybody is doing it" reason is a bad reason to drink. And I totally agree. "Everybody's doing it" is a stupid reason to do anything. But if we apply the same logic, the counter-argument that they are imposing, "Actually everybody's not doing it" is just as bad because it draws upon the same social coercion.

I think what needs to be banned here is not the alcohol but the notion that people should or should not do something because a supposed majority is acting a certain way, and screw anybody who tries to accomplish what they feel is a "good cause" by employing such evil, manipulative, anti-individualistic logic.
And there's thousands of these signs. And they all say some of the goofiest damn things I've ever read.

Here's another fine piece of American literature: "Alcohol is the number one date rape drug."

NO IT'S NOT

When is the last time you and your buddies said, "Hey, wanna meet up for some date rape drugs after work?" How about this one: You're watching the big game and a commercial comes on saying, "Budweiser. Crisp. Clean. Refreshing. America's finest date rape drug, since 1872."

Folks, there's only one date rape drug. It's free, natural, and some people have too much of it. It's testosterone. And when it's in a cocktail mixed with anunbridled ego and a severe power trip, it causes problems. People have been getting raped by this type of guy for years, and it's not just women. Because rape isn't a sex crime, it's a power crime. And if you don't think that power crimes don't happen in places other than dorm rooms and bachelor parties, see: Patriot Act.

At the bottom of the sign I saw a footnote. It was a website url, www.brad21.org.

I just went to the site. Here's the breakdown. Brad21 is a website devoted to a guy named Brad. Here's Brad in a nutshell. "Bradley was a Michigan State University Junior and Clarkston High School graduate. He was majoring in parks and recreation management... He worked with young children... He spent two summers as a day camp counselor... He loved to play soccer year-round... He had many and varied friends, made friends easily with his fun loving nature and love for life in general..."

Basically an all-around nice guy. Then guess what happened. He turned 21 and went out drinking. "When he had finished 21 shots and knowing that the record among his friends was 23, he drank three more for a total of 24 shots of liquor. He drank them in about 1-½ hours. Because he drank the liquor so fast, his body was still catching up and his blood alcohol count was still rising when he left the bar. His friends took him home and put him to bed as he passed out. His BAC continued to climb to a lethal level of .44 g/100ml, as the depressant did its work. His breathing stopped and the coroner estimates that he died at approximately 4:30 AM. He died on his 21st birthday, November 5, 1998."

It's very sad. I don't want to undermine the sadness of the situation. But there should be a few more websites about Brad, like www.duh.com and www.brads-friends-are-dickheads.com.

I wish it were possible for me to be simultaneously funny and serious, but at this point in my blog I simply can't commit to one or the other, and I think it's because this Brad thing us sucking the humor out of me. And so were the thousands of signs in the lawn. And so are the Motivatards that put them there.

The Blog to End All Blogs
This really gave me a good tickle:

So I was surfing around online when I found a website called "No Slang." (www.noslang.com). It's a website put together for the purpose of allowing parents to decipher what "the kids nowadays" are saying. Directly from their website: "Parents praised us for helping them understand what their kids were saying."

Sure enough.

Most interesting is the place on the website devoted strictly to drug slang. It's pretty nifty. You go there and there's a little spot for you to enter text, and you hit the "translate" button and it will provide the definition for whatever slang you enter.

What's really nifty is that you can enter an entire phrase, sentence, or paragraph, and it will translate the entire amount so parents can understand *exactly* what the kids nowadays are saying.

When you go to the site, it gives a sample phrase so you can try it out.

Sample: "Abe was in a fix when his check for a sandwich and some tea totaled over twelve dollars but he only had two fives."

Translation (word for damned word): $5 worth of drugs was Connected with drug suppliers LSD To inject a drug when his Personal supply of drugs for LSD Two layers of cocaine with a layer of heroin in the middle and some Marijuana;phencyclidine totaled over twelve dollars but he only had two Amphetamine.

Ahahahahaha I love it. What a precise science.

So I decided to test this thing. I entered what is perhaps the most cryptic language ever: The lyrics to Louie Louie. Now, nobody knows what the hell The Kingsmen are saying, so it was hard enough to find a fairly logical translation of their slurring and giberrish. But from what I can tell, the Kingsmen's incoherency is so drug-saturated that no matter WHAT an artist is singing about, it's really about drugs.

Here's a verse-by-verse translation.

Actual verse:

Louie Louie, oh no
Me gotta go
Aye-yi-yi-yi, I said
Louie Louie, oh baby
Me gotta go

Translation (LITERALLY copied-and-pasted):

Louie Louie, oh no Me gotta Amphetamines; methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA) Aye-yi-yi-yi, I said Louie Louie, oh Marijuana Me gotta Amphetamines; methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA)

Next verse:

Fine little girl waits for me
Catch a ship across the sea
Sail that ship about, all alone
Never know if I make it home

Translation:

Fine little Cocaine; Crack Cocaine; heroin waits for me Catch LSD ship across the sea Sail that ship about, all alone Never know if I make it home

-----------

Folks, I'M SHOCKED. I've been senselessly blargling along to the lyrics of Louie Louie for years not knowing that I was propagating such heinous drug-related messages!

So I decided to do a little more hunting to see what I could find.

"Somewhere Over The Rainbow" from the Wizard of Oz:

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high.
There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Translation:

Somewhere, over the LSD, way up high. There's LSD land that I heard of Once Connected with drug suppliers LSD lullaby. Somewhere, over the LSD, skies are Crack Cocaine; depressants; OxyContin. And the Opium that you dare to Cocaine Really do come true.

"A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes" from Cinderella:

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Translation:

LSD Cocaine is LSD wish your heart makes When you're Methamphetamine asleep In Opium you lose your heartaches Whatever you wish for, you keep

"Baby Baby (Heart in Motion)" by Amy Grant:

Baby, baby
I'm taken with the notion
To love you with the sweetest of devotion.

Baby, baby
My tender love will flow from
The bluest sky to the deepest ocean.

Stop for a minute
Baby, I'm so glad you're mine, yeah
You're mine.

Translation:

Marijuana, Marijuana I'm taken with the notion To Crack Cocaine you with the sweetest of devotion. Baby, Marijuana My tender Crack Cocaine will flow from The bluest sky to the deepest ocean. Stop for LSD minute Baby, I'm so glad you're mine, yeah You're mine.

First Book of Nephi 3:16, Book of Mormon:

Wherefore, let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; therefore let us go down to the land of our father's inheritance, for behold he left gold and silver, and all manner of riches. And all this he hath done because of the commandments of the Lord.

Translation:

Wherefore, let us be faithful Connected with drug suppliers keeping the commandments of the Lord; therefore let us Amphetamines; methylenedioxymethamphetamine (MDMA) Codeine coughCombination of marijuana and cough syrup to the land of our father's inheritance, for behold he left Marijuana; Crack Cocaine; heroin and silver, and all manner of riches. And all this he hath Methadone because of the commandments of the Lord.

Preamble of the U.S. Constitution:

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Translation:

We the people of the United States, Connected with drug suppliers order to form LSD PCP perfect union, establish justice, insure Locally grown marijuana tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

And finally, and MOST SHOCKINGLY:

Mother Teresa:

Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.

Translation:

Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of Crack Cocaine, LSD gift to that person, LSD beautiful Cocaine; Crack Cocaine; heroin; main drug interest at the momement.