Joo Mollre and the Mystery of the Missing Pants

It's been over a month and I still haven't got my pants back. Plus I think I might've given my credit card number to a complete stranger.

Here's the transcript of the conversation, originally published on my other blog in March.

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Operator: Thank you for calling the MGM Grand. Please select from the following options. For English--

Me: (typing) 1

Operator: For room reservations, press 1. For dining reservations, press 2. For show tickets, press 3. For business reservations, press 4. If you would like to hear these options again, press 9.

Me: (typing) 0

-silence-

Me: (typing) (cont'd) 0 0 0 0

Operator: For room reservations, pre-

Me: (typing) 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

Human: MGM Grand, how may I direct your call?

Me: Hi, I left my pants in Vegas and I need to get them back.

Human: Mmhmm. One moment.

..

L&F Aylah, loss in fow.

Me: Hi, I left my pants in my room. Nothing weird or anything, just folded them up and put them in the closet, then forgot they were there.

L&F Day you lee them in ah kah-see-no?

Me: Err, no. In my closet, in my room. 14-313.

L&F: I goin nee your roo namba.

Me: 14-313.

L&F: Juan Momayng.

Me: Who? No, I'm Alex Moore.

L&F: I say escuse me for juan momayng. Okay I hava one Old Navy blue jean an one lay-thar belt.

Me: (trying to make a joke) That's funny, I think I have the same exact pair!

-silence-

Me: (continued) Ooookay so can I arrange to have them mailed to me?

L&F: Jessir we can shit they to you.

Me: (stifling laughter): Oh, you can? Huh-huh-huh, okay, I would like to arrange, huhhuhhuh, to have them, uh, shit to my house.

L&F: Okay I need your full nay and ah-dray.

Me: Joel Moore. 1147 Pol-

L&F: Thas spell J-O-E M-O-L-L-R-E?

Me: No, two 'O's.

L&F: J-O-O M-O

Me: No no no no, J-O-E-L M-O-O-R-E.

L&F: Ohhh so sorry. Ha ha. An adray?

Me: 1147 Pollyanne Ave SE. Salem, OR 97306.

L&F: Okay I hava 147 Tollan Elen Oregon. An what was the zeet code agay?

Me: Well the zip code was 97306, but let me give you the whole thing again. 1147 P-O-L-L-Y-A-N-N-E Avenue Salem Oregon 97306.

L&F: Ohh ha ha Pollyanna.

Me: No, Pollyanne. An "E" at the end.

L&F: Ohh ha ha Pollyanneeee.

Me: No, just Pollyanne. Silent E.

L&F: Okay and is Elen Oregon spelled E-L-E-N?

Me: No, it's S-A-L-E-M. "S" as in Sarsaparilla. Actually, "S" as in Steven.

L&F Ohhh yah I know Salem. Ooookay so we send Juan Cheen and Juan Lay-thar belt to Joo Mollre 1147 Tollan Habanu Elen Orygaw Ny-Sayba-Tree-Zeero-Seez. Thanyu for cally N-CHI-N and haba nayng day.