Whopped.

Everyone's apparently got their knickers all twisted around and seized up on account of a new Burger King ad in which people from Overseas (you know, the mythical land where people drive on the left side of the road and despise capitalism) who have never eaten a hamburger before are forced to choose between a Whopper and a Quarter Pounder.

Here is the ad:

Now, because we recognize Burger King as the bastion of journalistic integrity and a reputable academic foundation for studying sociology, we can assume that when the ad states that everyone chose the Whopper, you can bet your ass that every damned one of them not only shit their pants over the Whopper, but they probably fed the Quarter Pounder to their cat, and then kicked their cat's ass for eating such a horrible sandwich.

At least that's what I got out of the ad.

Apparently people are all huffy over the ad, entitled "Whopper Virgins." I'm not sure why it is offensive, because after all, it's a hamburger ad, and if you feel your calling in life is to advocate for more wholesome hamburger ads, well, don't anticipate anyone writing any songs about you any time soon.

Apparently the folks at Burger King traveled to a foreign country, found some innocent bystanders minding their own business and then the Burger Kings opened up their trench coats, exposed their Whoppers, and deflowered the townsfolk.

Again, that's what I got out of the ad.

"Hold the mayo on mine." Jeez I don't know why I write these things.

But I must come out of the proverbial closet.

If these people are Burger Virgins, then I am a Burger Slut. I have been with a lot of burgers. And not just one. I'm not monogamous. I'm not faithful to the Whopper. I've done the Big Mac, the Quarter Pounder, the Big 'n Nasty. One time in South Carolina I ate one called The Thickburger, and it came slathered in butter-flavored shortening.

I've done weird things with burgers. I've taken pictures of them. I've had two burgers at a time. One time I had some friends over and we all had burgers right there in the same room, together. On the kitchen table no less.

That having been said, I would like to suggest that if someone's first time eating a burger is a bad one (for instance, if their first time is with a Whopper... seriously, when they call it "Whopper" it says one thing to me: overcompensation), it will likely leave a bad taste in their mouths and they will not look forward to having burgers again.

Folks, having burgers is a glorious thing. It should be fun. You shouldn't feel guilty. And you should never let anyone pressure you into having a burger.

Especially if you are a Burger Virgin.